Selasa, 18 Juni 2013

This is me as a victim of divorce

Children as Victims of Divorce
Needs and the condition of school-age children and adolescents differ according to the stage of their development. The first time a child is present in the world, second only to his parents whom he recognized through inner feelings. Parents were very happy blessed baby. Starting from birth, a child always lived with both parents under one roof. During infancy, they have not prepared themselves in terms of "separation" even the words do not appear in their minds. Especially for children who are always in the lap of his mother, he will feel much closer to a mother than a father. When small problems arise in the household, the parents do not realize that the child noticed that even though they do not understand what is really going on. So the divorce is the last option and unavoidable that they deem to be completed malalah. Only problem parents completed alone, but to issue up whenever the baby will never be finished.
The biggest problems arise due to unusual divorce on children aged 6-12 years of all the shock, loss, uncertainty, and distress, to have more widespread. In the six-year-old son, because the awareness is increasing, new issues, such as guilt, blame, worry about the welfare of one of the parents, worried about the cost of living, atu feel trapped in the middle of two parents who are still hostile, can become part of the their daily lives. Because they do not know who is right or wrong, they just did what the parents ask. But it was far from the wishes of a child.
For most teenagers, parental divorce makes their inner distress, discomfort, cry, hurt, annoyed, felt the lack of attention and affection from their parents, etc.. Their own lives revolved around typical teenage problems, such as drugs, free sex, free sex, or depression. They do not have the room and time again the parents percerain disruption in their lives.
For a child, adolescent, or age dewasapun will make the event a disaster that was pressing inward, kill the spirit soul for the future, as well as drain jealousy or envy towards other families happy. But they certainly have a strong inner voice that tells them to become independent and begin to make their own lives.
Couples divorce rate in Indonesia continues to increase dramatically. Religious Courts Agency (Balidag) Supreme Court (MA) recorded during the period 2005 to 2010 there was an increase of divorce by 70 percent. Divorce has increased continuously until 2011. This was evidenced by the data recorded in the Religious Courts and District Courts. Historically, divorce in 2009 reached 250 thousand. There is an increase compared to 2008, amounting to approximately 200 thousand cases. Here is the data in 2010 from the Director General of Islamic Guidance Ministry of Religious Affairs, the marriage of the 2 million people every year as Indonesia, then there are 285 184 cases per year end in divorce as Indonesia.
In a domestic relationship is certainly not always run smoothly in accordance with what we have planned, but it turns out there are several other factors that are intentionally or unintentionally inhibiting harmony in the family relationship. Either a mistake made ​​by a wife, keselahan made ​​by a husband, or kesalaham made ​​by both parties. One result that caused the conflict is with the divorce.
Divorce is a difficult process for pasangan.akibat divorce, ex-spouses and the baby was hurt physically, emotional, physical, and spiritual. Commotion in the household usually starts from a small thing, but sooner or later due to lack of understanding of each other or no one wants to budge the quarrel was getting into. Divorce is caused by many factors, such as: the difference principle (religion, career, etc.), the lack of attention from one of the parties so that the onset of fornication or adultery, violence, addictions (smoking, drinking, taking drugs), difficulty economy, and so the lack of communication between husband and wife.
Divorce does not automatically able to solve various problems in the marriage. On the other hand even cause new problems, and make families involved feel comfortable and happy, the children. Especially a teenager. Teens of divorce as the most difficult to accept it, is difficult given understanding, and difficult to communicate. Thus tend to be rebellious because of anger and disappointment to his parents divorced. Possible for children age bias is controlled and persuaded by something you like, or for children who have grown up more easy to communicate and understand what happened to his parents. But for children at all ages, however, is still a family disaster mental cripple them, a trauma, and life can not be forgotten.
1. How the influence of parental divorce, both on the development of children, adolescents, and adults?
2. What are the factors that lead to divorce?
3. How efforts to do so due to a divorce does not interfere with the child's development?
4. What is the impact of family breakdown on children?
1. Knowing the impact of divorce on children
2. Understand the feelings and wishes of the child to his parents' divorce issues.
3. Knowing the various factors of divorce.
4. Knowing the effort approach to child due to his parents' divorce.
Benefits that can be drawn from the author's research helps solve problems faced by children (children and teens) related to emotions are very unstable.
Divorce is the final decision of the couple to leave each other, leaving both his duty as a husband and wife and left the role as husband / wife / parent families result from the failure of their mentor.
For children who do not understand the meaning of "divorce" they may often wonder why their parents were never together again. They just follow what was said by his parents. For a teenager who is still in a state of very unstable emotionally, they assume it is the destruction of his life, life would be much different after divorce, feel everything becomes chaotic, and feel lost. For children who have grown up, they will be easier to communicate, to better understand the situation and condition, more able to take care of herself, be able to distinguish what is right and what is wrong, and can advise parents fit what he felt.
The point at whatever the age of the children who experienced a split in the family, on the one hand "loss" is the first issue that they see you. On the other hand, they show difficulty in adjusting such as sadness, loneliness, solitude, slump, longings, fears, worries, and depress. It is all just part of the sense of disappointment to his parents. Who will be traumatized when they witness a fight that was so terrible parents, they can only weep, locked himself in the room, or go run away from home to calm themselves.
Before the child knows the wider environment, the first neighborhood that they know are family. Family as a social group made ​​up of a number of individuals, have a relationship, in which there are obligations and responsibilities of the role.
According Salvicion and Celis (1998) in a family there are two or more than two persons are joined by blood, marriage or relationships appointment, at his life in a single household, interacting with each other and within their respective roles and create and maintain a culture.
Parents are a very important environment for the growth and development of children. Parents also as a source of support, encouragement, sensitivity, strength, and source kabahagiaan.
But what would happen if it all just be a dream for the children feel? Children need to figure their growth. Therefore, in a messy condition parents should act as companions for children. Berkomukasi good as well as friendship, to communicate will be the intermediary between them to rebuild ties that have been cracked, but it can also be a parent to understand what will and desire of a child that they can not express verbally. There are efforts to solve the problems of children in ways that communicate to the parents to do to be a baby outpouring:
1. Encourage children to worship
Parental divorce may weaken the strength of the child. Especially is the power of faith. Invite children to worship can be an effective communication tool in accordance with development stage. Still encourage the baby to always draw closer to GOD Almighty to try and always pray God willing the baby will be blessed multilayered power (the power of faith, mental strength, and physical strength), given determination, patience, positive thinking, optimistic , keep the spirit and never give up, crippling infirmities that way. With so slowly secar baby will grow up to be a great kid.
2. Affection and attention
As a parent, must give attention and affection from the smallest thing. That way a child will feel cared for and needed. TLC is the main capital for the "health" spiritual body, and inner and outer. If parents ignore this, then vice versa. They will harbor resentment, feeling useless and ignored.
3. Gives confidence
parents are the primary role in shaping the personality of children.
The role of parents is to educate and direct them appropriately to provide confidence and always assume good faith towards them. If children behave badly, it does not mean the child is a child who can not be trusted. All people are entitled to the trust, both internally and externally. Every child is stubborn to change for the better again. Depending on how parents educate and watched.
If parents have always suspected, interrogated, and prejudiced against children, then hate injustice, and their minds will grow. Determination to do evil even as alleged.
4. Take the time for children
Sesibu-busy parents, so packed with various activities or work that does not mean the job is paramount. The most important thing for parents to keep the pieces together hati.beraktivitas baby is fun and is able to strengthen the relationship with the child's parents. So what's the harm if a father / mother to take the time to entertain his son by way of doing a variety of things that they like? such as: playing ball, playing in the garden, cooking and eating together, karaoke at home, and so forth. In addition to playing, parents can also take the time to listen and provide the best solution of grievances presented by the baby. And eventually they will open themselves to communicate, to entertain each other and feel entertained, to forget the feelings or negative thoughts of children.
Not only become less socially, children of divorce would experience academic impairment, decreased performance at school and outside of school, but in trying to anxiety, loneliness, self-distrust, and grief protracted.
A child of divorce who before becoming more comfortable and at ease when they're at home, surrounded by his family let alone complete. However, all the comfort that no longer obtained after frequent check-choke between parents, before and after divorce. Seharuskan a house used as a place to learn, adapt, socialize, and play is not effective, if it is like a ship destroyed by a storm so terrible in the middle of the ocean. Moreover, to learn, to play just is not fun. Will only add grief.
They will feel more comfortable playing outside the house, hanging out with friends, spend time for things that are not bermanfa'at, even in young children whose emotions fairly unstable if it will no longer be considered reckless act deviate like: fighting, smoking , drinking alcohol, taking drugs, and began to experiment sex.
Not all child victims percerain fall into promiscuity. Actually there are children who remain closer to GOD Almighty, aware of the risks if the aberrant act, patient, tough, trying tuk always strong, the spirit, not desperate to still achieve a bright future, despite the fact that their families fall apart and status although sometimes parents are divorced but still a fight, hate and blame each other. They can do that because they do not harbor hatred and still love their parents. Kids like that are exemplary and serve as role models in society.
There are many causes of divorce which had seemed from the cases that often occurs in Indonesia, such as:
a) Lack of communication
In the household, communication is very important and much needed between husband and wife. No matter how small the problem should inform each other. If not, will lead to divorce. because the converse makes mutual trust, mutual understanding, no lies, and no hidden thing. But on the contrary if the household fails to communicate, it will often quarrel with each other because they do not believe, do not understand each other, many secrets are hidden from each other. This will beruung on divorce if both parties lack or fail to communicate.
b) Domestic violence (domestic violence)
Domestic violence is violence that is done in the household either by the husband or by the wife which cause a physical, sexual, psychological, and economic. It became one of the leading causes of divorce.
c) Adultery
In addition, other problems that can lead to divorce are adultery, sex outside of marriage is hubungnan by both husband and wife. it can happen in the household due to possible as we discussed earlier, namely the lack or fail to communicate, disharmony, lack of concern or caring husband to his wife or vice versa, each busy with their work, feel insufficient physical and spiritual happiness, infidelity, or just to have fun with others.
d) Economic problems
Money does not buy happiness. But how else, including money to meet basic necessities of life. Therefore, the economic factor is still the most dominant cause of divorce couples in the community.
e) Moral and moral crisis
Factors on the occurrence of divorce as well as economic issues, adultery, lack or fail to communicate, and domestic violence can lead to a crisis of moral foundation and morals neglected by husband wife mapun the roles and responsibilities j
Children are the most injured victims when their parents argue or decide to divorce. Feelings of fear and loss are ever-present in their minds. Fear of losing a father or mother, even fear of parting with siblings (brother or sister). Fear of loss of love and attention of her parents are splitting up.
In their community who are victims of divorce arises embarrassment to his friends, he surely would have thought that her friends will talk about it at school and outside of school or so frequently to be alone. With fear, anxiety, sadness, anger, discomfort, and perceived jealousy will distract the children's learning. Children's achievement in school will decrease in both the academic and non-academic.
For most teenagers, the problems posed tend to mind and mind. A mind that is filled with stress and negative thoughts which always appeared ultimately they have no control. Physically not so injured, but sikis and personality is injured and messy. Even slowly, as a poor runaway children will fall into promiscuity, such as: sex, drugs, drinking, taking drugs, or other negative things that could harm himself or others.
Termination of conjugal marriage relationship / marriage is legal according to Islamic sharia or Islamic by the State, it is called with the divorce.
Is no longer a minor implications for couples who already possess descent. There the term "ex-wife / ex-husband" but there are no "former child". Although the status of divorced parents, but the parents still will always be responsible for their children.
In a divorce most people do not think of going to the continuity of their lives, they are more concerned with personal matters especially for parents who have found a new companion. With only a child of divorce was feeling sad and hurt at all, especially if coupled with a new problem that father / mother remarried within a period not longer than divorce. it will make the child more hit and harbored resentment toward birth parents / stepparents are.
"If a child wants to marry his loved ones should ask first blessing to his parents, and vice versa if the parents want to get married again after divorce should ask for his blessing anyway" because if it does not get the blessing of the person concerned, the marriage will not run smooth and there are always problems. The most important thing is respect the opinions and feelings of the children taste.
Of the conclusions that have been authors showcased in this paper, in the RESULTS of the research can be conducted:
Maybe for a young child is not so influential, but if it occurs in a child who was a teenager it would be fatal, especially on the psychological and personality. Some of the impact on the teens of divorce, teens will feel uncomfortable, lonely, lost, angry, sad, aloof, and fear. For younger children, although not so influential, but still it misses one child of his parents who do not live the house again. And if a young child had been tinggan with stepparents, then the child will feel scared and just according to the step.
Any age child who has experienced his parents' divorce case, whether a child, adolescent, or adult, they will feel a burden that is not perceived by other children who did not experience it, feel the cuts that will imprint his life. When they are happy, sometimes the memory of the pain of her parents' separation will appear suddenly and fell instantly, but they tried to smile back. Although their parents had divorced, but they remain grateful that his parents still exist in this world and still be met to release a sense of longing.
Keep in mind for parents. As good as any in dealing with divorce, divorce influence will always made ​​an impression on children even when parents quarrel and the problem has been properly completed.
a) Parents should be sensitive to all the issues and conflicts that may affect the baby.
b) From the story of the destruction of the family of the child of divorce, there will always be wisdom behind all of this that we can learn. There is definitely a positive side of the event of divorce. the destruction of the family does not mean destroyed everything, it all depends on us who live it. If we are weak, collapsed, and then life is not hopeless tone ka meaning. However arise for children of divorce, the situation forced and encouraged us to be strong faith, mental, and physical, strong, patient, self, spirit always, never give up, and let your feet keep moving forward tuk reaching goals . Because if we confine ourselves, then we have to limit our ability.
c) Prove to parents who are more concerned than his new companion, that we can be successful without having to hand him. But do not grudge to our parents who made ​​a mistake, however, they remain our parents. Kitaa duties as children are our future parents membahagiaan and forgive all the mistakes our parents because in the heart of a father / mother the most in, surely they also have forgiven our mistakes first before we ask for forgiveness.
d) Do not force children to accept a stepparent. Because it can be their inner torment. All of that takes time. Let the child adjusts himself in a convenience.

Ditulis Oleh : afri yanto // 06.07

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